Until last night, I'd not completed one layout. It's odd how all of the life just seems to leave {a house, a room, a heart}when children are no longer present. It's a long story, and one I just won't go into but to say...my daughter and 2 oldest grands moved out mid-February.
I now fully understand what Empty Nest Syndrome feels like. All of my life I have been known in relation to those around me. I was a daughter, a mother, a wife, a Nana. Names I wore proudly. Names that explained who I was to those surrounding me, but not explain who I AM pertaining to myself. The past month, with an eerily, empty house, I faced many long, and sleepless nights. It gave me time to do a lot of soul searching. One thing I discovered was I didn't know ME. I didn't know what made me tick. Yes, I learned how to be me without being a wife. I learned how to be me with the loss of both of my parents. I just didn't know how to be me without my children or Grands present everyday. The past month has been an real eye opener.
At first, I stayed extremely busy. So busy, just to keep my mind off of the missing of them. It was only at night that I allowed myself to feel the emptiness of them no longer being here. I'd grown so used to them being around, that my heart literally grieved as though they had died. I went through many nights of pain and sorrow. Many days of faking my way through the niceties with friends. I knew they all meant well, was trying to cheer me up and help keep me sane. I would smile, but truly just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away from everyone. I had made my 2 oldest Grands my life and with them gone... I felt empty...lost...like I no longer had a purpose. It was then that a dear friend wrote to me. God had placed me on her heart to pray (not knowing the circumstances) and told me I was loved, and had a purpose in this life.
I have to admit, I cried. Not like the pain and sorrow tears I had been shedding for weeks. No, these were tears of shame, embarrassment and remorse. You see...the last 3 years I had been running. Running from my upbringing. Running from the church. Running from my faith. I allowed something that happened 3 years ago, said by a very close church member, to offend me. Offend me to the point of leaving. I turned my back on everything and just focused everything within me on my Grands. This friend not only prayed with me, but said some things that made me look differently at myself. The following Friday I started singing in a group again. The following Sunday I went back to the church where I'd had my faith shattered.
It didn't happen overnight...the return of my faith or the restoration of peace. It's been over 2 weeks and it's been a slow process. I can say that a week ago I had a huge breakthrough. It was during alter call, many was going down for prayer and yet I just couldn't find it within myself to go down. I knew I needed prayer, but for the life of me, I just didn't even know exactly what it was for, ya know? It was at that moment the person that had hurt and offended me deeply stood before me and asked if I wanted to go down and pray. I shook my head. That person held both of my hands and at that moment I realized I was still holding on to the pain and hurt and needed to forgive them. It was an emotional moment for both of us, but it was also in that moment that I finally felt peace. I let everything go...the hurt from years ago...the sorrow from missing the Grands...the pain from things said and done. I let go.
I still have pain and sorrow with my daughter and Grands no longer living here. I still have pain and sorrow that it's been over a month since I've seen them or talked to them. I still have pain and sorrow things happened the way it did. Yet, I am also filled with peace...and the pain and sorrow is easing.
